a little good karrma: July 2013

happiness in marriage.

9:30 AM

I am always troubled when I hear this.

“Marriage has been the hardest, and best thing I’ve ever done!” “Marriage has taken work, but I wouldn’t want to work at it with anyone else!” “Sacrificing myself for my marriage and family has been the best choice ever!” Or some other variation of that. It is found on Facebook, blogs, Instagram, etc., and is often posted on an anniversary or other significant day.

All of those statements seem sweet, right? But, when you look at them a little closer, they also make marriage sound a bit discouraging. Why would someone want to get into something that will be “hard” and “work” and “sacrifice” when life is tough enough already? Isn’t the reason we fall in love is because we find ourselves with someone that makes things better?

Love is defined as “An intense feeling of deep affection; a person toward whom love is felt" in the dictionary. And, cliché usage of dictionary definition aside, love sounds pretty great.

So what happens along the way that makes it seem like talking about hard work is the best way to describe love and a marriage? I don’t know about anyone else, but I would feel a lot better if my husband talked about how great I am instead of how much work I am. But that’s what I see all the time! When asked about marriage they say hard work first instead of happiness.

Doesn’t that make marriage sound depressing? Hopeless even? That you are entering into eternal labor, but you’ll find happiness in it, trust us.

Don’t get me wrong—marriage does take work! Tons of work. You put two complete individuals, and often with very different personalities, under the same roof and say, “Ok live together FOREVER, make every choice TOGETHER, and constantly put the other FIRST.” Yeah, there's going to be little and big fights along the way no doubt about it. It’s a significant change to the way we’ve lived our entire lives, and for some marriages that change is harder than others.

But this post is not about how to take the work out of marriage, rather how to help change the way we look at marriage.

Marriage isn’t about perfection. It’s not about one good deed deserving another, or how much work it is. Marriage is about promising to always find the good in the other person. That being together is more important than being right. It’s about focusing on what you get as a couple instead of what you give up as an individual. It’s about constantly being grateful.

When someone asks me about marriage, these are the things I like to mention first:

You always have a best friend. If both of you are striving for the happiness that can be found in marriage, you have a best friend! An equal. Someone with whom you can do everything together. You have a teammate and a support. A friend for always. Someone to give your heart and soul to, and live out a million happy memories with.

It’s about having fun. Yes, marriage is work. But more than work, it’s about having fun! It’s about inside jokes and grocery store adventures and day trips and unexpected kisses. Someone to romance and laugh with. Even if you have kids, which I do not so I can’t give specific examples, always being a team makes everything more fun. When life gets hard, you can still look for little things that make being with your spouse fun.

You feel special. One of the many things I love most about being married is the fact that someone finds me special. Special enough to want to make it permanent! Special to him in a way that no one else is. Every time I think about it I love him more, and I want him to have that same “important” feeling. Adapting the lyrics of a song for the sake of my point, he may be just another man to the world, but he is the world to me. He makes me feel the same way, and being loved like that gives you the strength to get through anything.

It’s easier to become a better person. I don’t know about you, but when I feel loved and appreciated I become a better version of myself. The kind, loving, giving and fun version. The girl that wants to give back because she is with someone who loves her no matter what. I know that when I go out of my way to appreciate my husband, and he goes out of his way to appreciate me, we both become better versions of ourselves—and our marriage is strengthened.

You can love and be loved. It is a comforting feeling to stand next to the person of your dreams and know they too are in it for the long haul. That they were excited to make the jump with you and never look back. That pouring your love and affection into the relationship will do nothing but grow happiness. Knowing they are trusting you just as much as you are trusting them. There is no greater joy in my opinion than loving someone who loves you back.

I know that in order for any of this to go anywhere both parties need to be striving for it. They both have to work for it. Gasp, I just said work. But that's the thing. Even though yes, we are all constantly working on our marriages, "work" doesn't have to be the first thing that comes to mind when talking about it. What if we made the happy and easy things the first to come out of our mouths—even if it is just one or two things at the moment?! Centering on those positive things will make a difference on how we feel about our marriage. And how we feel is over half the battle. Neither Josh nor I are perfect, but our marriage is pretty perfect. We fight, but we both chose to forget quickly and focus on all the good things we have together—and when that happens, happiness becomes the first thing to come to mind.

Now, those of you who know me may be saying, “You haven’t been married long enough to give marriage advice. Just wait, it’ll get harder!”

And you’re right, I haven’t been married very long at all.

But I do know that what you focus on can make a difference in your reality. And I challenge everyone to say a few things they love about being married to their partner each day, and see if it doesn’t help things be less work and more happiness...because I know it has worked well for us.