happiness in marriage.
9:30 AM
I am always troubled
when I hear this.
“Marriage has been the
hardest, and best thing I’ve ever done!” “Marriage has taken work, but I
wouldn’t want to work at it with anyone else!” “Sacrificing myself for my
marriage and family has been the best choice ever!” Or some other variation of
that. It is found on Facebook, blogs, Instagram, etc., and is often posted on an
anniversary or other significant day.
All of those statements
seem sweet, right? But, when you look at them a little closer, they also make
marriage sound a bit discouraging. Why would someone want to get into something
that will be “hard” and “work” and “sacrifice” when life is tough enough
already? Isn’t the reason we fall in love is because we find ourselves with
someone that makes things better?
Love is defined as “An
intense feeling of deep affection; a person toward whom love is felt" in the dictionary. And, cliché usage of dictionary definition aside, love sounds pretty great.
So what happens along
the way that makes it seem like talking about hard work is the best way to
describe love and a marriage? I don’t know about anyone else, but I would feel
a lot better if my husband talked about how great I am instead of how much work
I am. But that’s what I see all the time! When asked about marriage they say
hard work first instead of happiness.
Doesn’t that make
marriage sound depressing? Hopeless even? That you are entering into eternal labor,
but you’ll find happiness in it, trust us.
Don’t get me wrong—marriage
does take work! Tons of work. You put two complete individuals, and often with very different personalities, under the same roof and say, “Ok
live together FOREVER, make every choice TOGETHER, and constantly put the other
FIRST.” Yeah, there's going to be little and big fights along the way no doubt about it.
It’s a significant change to the way we’ve lived our entire lives, and
for some marriages that change is harder than others.
But
this post is not about how to take the work out of marriage, rather how to help change the way we look at marriage.
Marriage isn’t about
perfection. It’s not about one good deed deserving another, or how much work it is. Marriage is about promising
to always find the good in the other person. That being together is more
important than being right. It’s about focusing on what you get as a couple
instead of what you give up as an individual. It’s about constantly being
grateful.
When someone asks me
about marriage, these are the things I like to mention first:
You always have a best friend. If both of you are striving for the
happiness that can be found in marriage, you have a best friend! An equal. Someone with whom you
can do everything together. You have a teammate and a
support. A friend for always. Someone to give your heart
and soul to, and live out a million happy memories with.
It’s about
having fun. Yes, marriage
is work. But more than work, it’s about having fun! It’s about inside jokes and
grocery store adventures and day trips and unexpected kisses. Someone to
romance and laugh with. Even if you have kids, which I do not so I can’t give
specific examples, always being a team makes everything more fun. When life gets hard, you can still look for little things that make being with your spouse fun.
You feel special. One of the many
things I love most about being married is the fact that someone finds me
special. Special enough to want to make it permanent! Special to him in a way
that no one else is. Every time I think about it I love him more, and I want
him to have that same “important” feeling. Adapting the lyrics of a song for
the sake of my point, he may be just another man to the world, but he is the
world to me. He makes me feel the same way, and being loved like that gives you
the strength to get through anything.
It’s easier to become a better person. I don’t know about you, but when I feel
loved and appreciated I become a better version of myself. The kind, loving, giving
and fun version. The girl that wants to give back because she is with someone who loves her no matter what. I know that when I go out of
my way to appreciate my husband, and he goes out of his way to appreciate me, we
both become better versions of ourselves—and our marriage is strengthened.
You can love and be loved. It is a comforting feeling to stand next to
the person of your dreams and know they too are in it for the long haul. That
they were excited to make the jump with you and never look back. That pouring
your love and affection into the relationship will do nothing but grow
happiness. Knowing they are trusting you just as much as you are trusting them.
There is no greater joy in my opinion than loving someone who loves you back.
I know that in order for any of this to go anywhere both parties need to be striving for it. They both have to work for it. Gasp, I just said work. But that's the thing. Even though yes, we are all constantly working on our marriages, "work" doesn't have to be the first thing that comes to mind when talking about it. What if we made the happy and easy things the first to come out of our mouths—even if it is just one or two things at the moment?! Centering on those positive things will make a difference on how we feel about our marriage. And how we feel is over half the battle. Neither Josh nor I are perfect, but our marriage is pretty perfect. We fight, but we both chose to forget quickly and focus on all the good things we have together—and when that happens, happiness becomes the first thing to come to mind.
Now, those of you who know me may be saying, “You haven’t been married long enough to give marriage advice. Just wait, it’ll get harder!”
Now, those of you who know me may be saying, “You haven’t been married long enough to give marriage advice. Just wait, it’ll get harder!”
And you’re right, I
haven’t been married very long at all.
But I do know that what you focus on can make a difference in your reality. And I challenge
everyone to say a few things they love about being married to their partner
each day, and see if it doesn’t help things be less work and more happiness...because I know it has worked well for us.
3 comments
Love it danielle...I always say marriage is what you make it! When me and jake fight we forgive and forget very quickly and choose to never go to sleep mad at one another....when I think hard about it all I can think of is all the great times we spend together and bow he makes me want to be a better person.he is my person <3
ReplyDeleteMarriage is fun bevause like you say... you always have a friend to do things with and share life with
ReplyDeleteWell put, you could apply this to being a parent too. When I was pregnant all I heard was "just you wait...", "better get some sleep right now while you can...", "you won't be doing that any more once you're a mom...". The truth is, I was totally prepared for parenthood to be hard but what has blown me away is how much FUN it is! Your perspective is your reality.
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